Author: [email protected]

New year has already begun and I had no resolutions. Infact I didnt do any resolution this year.

Feeling my current mental state of unpleseantness (unhappiness or sadness or anything else cant describe it) I think it is now time to delebrately take efforts to move on from th heart break I had a very long ago now. Yes I accept that I havent been able to move on, mostly not because of time, but lack of proper mental discipline about handling it.

I did some mistakes unconsciously, may be because it satisfied my ego. Mistake unconsciously lying to myself that she might come back, she will realize and all sorts of stuff. It kept my hopes and hence I am still stuck.

I had a phone call with my best friends, they listened. Now I have finally decided to leave my past behind and accept that she is gone permanently. Now, I let go her with my best wishes and wish her a happy life.

I am starting to execute a systematic plan for a period, which includes some daliy excercise/activities for me to do.

Coping with heartbreak is a step towards me feeling better again. It may be the only thing or maybe one of the many things, which I cant tell now. But I am sure it is biggest contributer for me feeling bad.

This has to be done, this is important and necessary for I cant live my life this way. Time here is precious to be spent on grieving. I have to change, otherwise my future will pay for this.

Consider this to as the new years resolution.

I accept how it is, what it is. I let her go.

I had some experience lately while dealing with really smart people. I doesnt mean that I had never experienced this thing before in Germany only difference is this time I was conscious enough to notice this. It occured to me twice within the week.

The place where I work are the research institutions and the scientists work on the state of the art technologies. Lets put it this way they are the masters of what they do.

In a meeting in which I encountered this Scientist, to present him my work and get the feedback , I noticed he said “I dont know ” a lot of times to my questions and yet was very calm and confortable in saying that. I also noticed the same thing with other scientist which I encounterd the other time. But both of them did make an effort to guide me to find the real answers.

This did feel strange to me for a moment, might be because I have been taught where I grew up that “You are suppose to know everything”, and “You should have answer to everything” even at the cost of totally being wrong or with incomplete misleading information.Thats how you show you are smart. It hurts our ego to admit “I dont know”.

I made me realise that jabbering the answer to everything does not make you smart, admiting that you dont know does, because then you seek the truth and help others seek it inturn gaining knowledge for yourself. It also increased my comfortness to admit I dont know.

Even the greatest masters of the subject admit that they don’t know. Why dont you?

” I know that I know nothing ” – Socrates

Journal Entry

On paper, I’ve made it. If you looked at my CV or my LinkedIn profile, you would see a student who has secured the “dream” path in Germany,

A HiWi job and a working student position at reputed places.

A paid Master’s thesis, a rarity that many of my peers are still searching for.

The opportunity to work on prestigious, high impact projects.

From the outside, I am the definition of success. My employers value me, my academics are on track, and I am building the career I always thought I wanted. But there is a silent “other half” to this story that the resume doesn’t show.

The Missing Half

The truth is, I feel demotivated. I find myself wondering if I’ve lost my spark or if I’ve simply stopped working as hard as I used to. But as I sit in my apartment in Germany.

After two years here, I feel a profound sense of isolation. I have people to “do things” with people to play games with or travel with but there is a lack of deep, human connection. I sit at home in the silence, realizing that while I am surrounded by opportunities, I am not surrounded by people I truly care about or who make me feel “at home.”

I’ve reached a point of emotional “bluntness.” During my first year, the loneliness would move me to tears. Now? I don’t even feel like crying. It’s just a continuous, dull ache.

The Weight of the Future

This disconnect makes me fear the future. I find myself spiraling into questions that I don’t have the answers to yet:

Is this just what adult life is? A cycle of work, stress, and chronic unhappiness?

Heartbreak I had 16 months ago, will I ever be able to truly connect with someone again? I miss her.

Is this a permanent state, or just a temporary season of life?

I’m currently in the middle of this fog, trying to figure out the true reason for this void.

to be continued ……….

I use AI paraphraser for purpose of neatness.