Journal Entry
On paper, I’ve made it. If you looked at my CV or my LinkedIn profile, you would see a student who has secured the “dream” path in Germany,
A HiWi job and a working student position at reputed places.
A paid Master’s thesis, a rarity that many of my peers are still searching for.
The opportunity to work on prestigious, high impact projects.
From the outside, I am the definition of success. My employers value me, my academics are on track, and I am building the career I always thought I wanted. But there is a silent “other half” to this story that the resume doesn’t show.
The Missing Half
The truth is, I feel demotivated. I find myself wondering if I’ve lost my spark or if I’ve simply stopped working as hard as I used to. But as I sit in my apartment in Germany.
After two years here, I feel a profound sense of isolation. I have people to “do things” with people to play games with or travel with but there is a lack of deep, human connection. I sit at home in the silence, realizing that while I am surrounded by opportunities, I am not surrounded by people I truly care about or who make me feel “at home.”
I’ve reached a point of emotional “bluntness.” During my first year, the loneliness would move me to tears. Now? I don’t even feel like crying. It’s just a continuous, dull ache.
The Weight of the Future
This disconnect makes me fear the future. I find myself spiraling into questions that I don’t have the answers to yet:
Is this just what adult life is? A cycle of work, stress, and chronic unhappiness?
Heartbreak I had 16 months ago, will I ever be able to truly connect with someone again? I miss her.
Is this a permanent state, or just a temporary season of life?
I’m currently in the middle of this fog, trying to figure out the true reason for this void.
to be continued ……….
I use AI paraphraser for purpose of neatness.